i cant seem to remember how to delete a post so ill just write over this one. (dont worry, there was nothing epic on this one previously.)
since i was little, i have been very aware of everything around me. and i definitely felt older than my age. and although i may not have been the smartest in math or science, i always felt that my brain was on a different/slightly advanced wavelength. i dont know if that makes sense to you? and i even was aware of my own sexuality at an early age. i dont think ive admitted that or said/wrote that out loud before. but that was me. young. young and frustrated with my own heightened thoughts.
now im older and i have a blog to channel all of this into. but now im not so much by myself with my thoughts and dont always have time to think deeply as before. now im worrying about the money source for next year, what classes to take, a website thing, social life, family life, people i care about, etc. and as you can see, it is pretty draining. who knows what i could have done if i got a head start on my education and a channel for my thoughts? maybe i could have been a genius. ok thats pushing it, but you know what i mean. now all my energy is focused on other things more than thoughts i had while sitting around.
and another thing. im a business major. im too scared to pursue something i may greatly fail in. when youre little, you can be like "ya i want to be a garbage man" or "ya i want to be a fireman" without taking into account the income youll be receiving and what kind of work it involves to get there. now im living my life.... safe? but thats me. ive recently realized i am a pussy.
yes i am a pussy. i am too pussy to make the wrong decision. and when i do, ill do one of two things. ill either say "whatever" out loud, which is my equivalent to a "letting go" kind of mantra. or i wont notice it until later when i realize just how many dumb mistakes ive made. so thats me, i cant make a decision. today when asked where i wanted to go for lunch, i took five minutes to figure out a place. it was dumb. i cant make a decision to save my life. sadddd.
ok well thats it for now. i need to sleep.
Last night was Game Night II at my friend Matt's house. The whole purpose of Game Night was to stay up all night and play board games and eat, but some of the boys brought their laptops to play DOTA. (Lame.) So when I got there, half an hour late I may say, the party was already in progress. Most of the food was gone, but whatever was left was delicious.
After I ate and mingled, a few of us got to playing a rousing game of Taboo. The second round of Taboo was boys versus girls, or penises versus vaginas, and of course the vaginas won in the end. After we put away Taboo, someone suggested this game called "Pictionary Telephone." "Pictionary Telephone" is a game where everyone has several sheets of paper, as many as the number of people playing, and they write a pictionary word down. Then they pass the paper over to the person on their right with the word on top. When the next person gets it they put it on the bottom of the pile and draw what they think depicts the word. Then they hand that to the next person with the drawing on top and they put the drawing underneath and write what they think that person's picture was. So basically, you rotate word drawing word drawing and everyone is doing something until it comes back to you. From this game we got things that started off as a "snickerdoodle" turning into "dog getting raped." Or, the best one yet, "refried beans" turning into "microscope" to "stove moon" to "warm banana," and ending up as a banana in a martini glass. After a game of that, everyone wanted to play and I we had another round. I dont think I have laughed that hard in a long time.
After that we played Cranium and were pretty drained by then. And then I just watched the other games in progress because I was too tired to partake in anymore. I was supposed to catch a ride home, which would be super close, with G, but he was into his dota. Then that guy that messed me up last year, lets call him "TK," offered me a ride home. I took it. And we talked about school, his new gf, summer, hanging out, get lunch, going golfing, and how he's leaving in two weeks. Ok now I ask myself, "Is this a chance to fix our friendship with each other?" This could be. He was one of my best friends before everything ever happened and then kind of drifted. So because I have to go, I'm going to just say its good to get that off my chest.
It's been too long. Anyway, I spent this past year blogging for Santa Clara so I'm going to use that as an excuse for why I have not posted.
Bottom line since last year: I'm better. Not 100% better but much much better.
I got a boyfriend, possibly broke a heart, tried to live college, came back home for summer, got a summer job at a summer fun, and I'm still not down to that 115 lbs I was hoping for. But I didnt gain that horrid freshman fifteen. I also read a book that was blunt and changed my life (not really) its called "Skinny Bitch." I would highly recommend it. Just not to people who have eating disorders as it might worsen their conditions.
Let's see, what else happened this year. Oh yes. Jonas Brothers caught my eye before they became big and I sneer at their recent accumulation of fans. They dont like them like I do. I have dreams about being their best friend some times. Forget Mandy! And for a while, I had this thing for Jesse McCartney. I actually watched a whole bunch of Summerland episodes on Youtube. Initially it was for him, but I kind of got hooked. My boyfriend knows all about this and I have to constantly reassure him I'd choose him over Jesse or Joe Jonas any day.
I also see that I wanted to maintain a decent GPA since my last post. I rocketed it up past the 3.5 mark in my last quarter this year, but we'll see how long this will last.
And as for that guy who broke me bad, I havent talked to him in a while. Or hung out with him. And as for the guy who tried to tap into my emotional problems all last summer, I hope he'll be okay eventually. My boyfriend, lets call my boyfriend "Justin," is slowly picking up my pieces and fixing me. Although Justin is not the best looking guy I've dated, he is different from my other boyfriends because he treats me right and I'm comfortable around him. Although our relationship suffers some fighting, (like all relationships do,) I want to call it constructive fighting because it moves us forward. Although I am famous for falling asleep on people when on the phone, he still says good night to me or blows a kiss before hanging up.
So that's my update. It's actually kind of depressing to see 0 Comments on this blog after getting a taste of reader response from my school blog. Back into the world of hypothetical readers.
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