since i was little, i have been very aware of everything around me. and i definitely felt older than my age. and although i may not have been the smartest in math or science, i always felt that my brain was on a different/slightly advanced wavelength. i dont know if that makes sense to you? and i even was aware of my own sexuality at an early age. i dont think ive admitted that or said/wrote that out loud before. but that was me. young. young and frustrated with my own heightened thoughts.
now im older and i have a blog to channel all of this into. but now im not so much by myself with my thoughts and dont always have time to think deeply as before. now im worrying about the money source for next year, what classes to take, a website thing, social life, family life, people i care about, etc. and as you can see, it is pretty draining. who knows what i could have done if i got a head start on my education and a channel for my thoughts? maybe i could have been a genius. ok thats pushing it, but you know what i mean. now all my energy is focused on other things more than thoughts i had while sitting around.
and another thing. im a business major. im too scared to pursue something i may greatly fail in. when youre little, you can be like "ya i want to be a garbage man" or "ya i want to be a fireman" without taking into account the income youll be receiving and what kind of work it involves to get there. now im living my life.... safe? but thats me. ive recently realized i am a pussy.
yes i am a pussy. i am too pussy to make the wrong decision. and when i do, ill do one of two things. ill either say "whatever" out loud, which is my equivalent to a "letting go" kind of mantra. or i wont notice it until later when i realize just how many dumb mistakes ive made. so thats me, i cant make a decision. today when asked where i wanted to go for lunch, i took five minutes to figure out a place. it was dumb. i cant make a decision to save my life. sadddd.
ok well thats it for now. i need to sleep.
posted by your favorite acquaintance @ 1:09 AM
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